Showing posts with label 40. Show all posts
A question of aging
I guess I’ve been in a kind of shock over the past few months, but as I was looking in the mirror today, it struck me: I’m 40. How the hell did that happen? How in the world did I become a creature that a man in his 30s (always my benchmark for solid adulthood) would not look twice at? How did kids born when I was an adult get to be adults themselves? Why is my hair thinning, my skin sagging, my body aching?
And the biggest question of all: Why am I surprised?
I’ve been calling myself middle aged for a couple of years. The main thing I’ve noticed is I don’t get as many appreciative looks as I used to, but somehow the age thing never played a part in my understanding. I thought it was just because I don’t take care of myself, and that’s part of it of course, but also it’s because my place in society is shifting.* And I didn’t ask it to! I’m still talking to people the same way, but more and more I find myself confused by their responses. People of all ages seem to be connecting with me differently, and I’m just now putting two and two together.
People seem less interested in what I say, but more obliged to listen; the folks who are dismissive and those who are intimidated seem to have switched places; I'm surprised when others seem to be put off by my enthusiastic manner. I fear it makes me seem unstable and/or on drugs. Being compared to a puppy was cute when I was 16, but now it seems weird. However, I think I still look good in a ponytail, but who knows?
Like I said, I’m wondering how I got here without noticing things were changing. But it’s pretty clear now that I’ve arrived at a destination. When I figure out where that is, I’ll let you know. It just struck me, is all.
Oh, I just realized the biggest question of all: Why don’t I know what I’m doing by now? Sheesh.
*I first typed “shitting”, which is also fitting. My place in society is shitting. Indeed.
And the biggest question of all: Why am I surprised?
I’ve been calling myself middle aged for a couple of years. The main thing I’ve noticed is I don’t get as many appreciative looks as I used to, but somehow the age thing never played a part in my understanding. I thought it was just because I don’t take care of myself, and that’s part of it of course, but also it’s because my place in society is shifting.* And I didn’t ask it to! I’m still talking to people the same way, but more and more I find myself confused by their responses. People of all ages seem to be connecting with me differently, and I’m just now putting two and two together.
People seem less interested in what I say, but more obliged to listen; the folks who are dismissive and those who are intimidated seem to have switched places; I'm surprised when others seem to be put off by my enthusiastic manner. I fear it makes me seem unstable and/or on drugs. Being compared to a puppy was cute when I was 16, but now it seems weird. However, I think I still look good in a ponytail, but who knows?
Like I said, I’m wondering how I got here without noticing things were changing. But it’s pretty clear now that I’ve arrived at a destination. When I figure out where that is, I’ll let you know. It just struck me, is all.
Oh, I just realized the biggest question of all: Why don’t I know what I’m doing by now? Sheesh.
*I first typed “shitting”, which is also fitting. My place in society is shitting. Indeed.
It's mah burfday.
Go me! It's my 40th birthday today. My mom has always said, the day she turned 40 she woke up, looked in the mirror, and had wrinkles. No wrinkles on the last day of 39, then 40 came and BOOM she had wrinkles. Warned by this anecdote, I have not yet looked in the mirror.
I don't like those assessments anyway, where you compare your now self to a younger self. I don't know how much of my blubber, sag, wrinkles are from aging and how much is from a sedentary lifestyle. So tbbbbbt on that. I feel how I feel and yesterday is gone.
Am I the same person I was yesterday? Maybe. But 40 is such a big, symbolic number that I can't help feeling a little different. Like I take up a little more space today with my 40-ness.
I expect today to be mostly the same as always here in the hacienda. That's okay, because I don't like a fuss. I expect to get lots of hugs and kisses and maybe a neck rub, and those things will be just what I wanted. I expect to have a wonderful day.
I hope you have a wonderful day, too. :)
Turning 40
I guess you might have noticed that little birthday counter in my sidebar. I'm REALLY EXCITED (and a little scared) about turning 40 later this month. It's almost like my whole life I've been waiting for this age, but I didn't know it. 40 is mature. Strong. Self-confident. By the time a woman hits 40, she knows what matters and is ready to do something about it. The mid-life awakening (crisis) is nigh, if not already begun, and I welcome the changes that will accompany it.
What is your view of 40, whether or not you've made it there yet?
What is your view of 40, whether or not you've made it there yet?
