Archive for December 2009
2009: tumultuous yet somehow still stagnant
Technically it's just barely New Year's Eve. One of those nights I wish I could sleep but I can't. Stayed up till midnight because I recognized the hum in my forebrain, but even then I wasn't sleepy enough so I got up again. Seems like 2 a.m. is the time to shoot for on these nights, and what better time to do my year-end retrospective?
Even though everybody else is reflecting enough to outshine me, I feel the need to add my reflections on the twenty-aughts. Looking over the past decade, it's hard to attach a single word or phrase which will sum it up. I mean, a decade is freakin' forever. When the decade began, my first child was still in diapers, I'd just had the dream which would inspire my first novel, and I bought my very first computer. I had somehow gotten myself a job as a columnist with a large local newspaper and had won 1st honorable mention in a major Oklahoma writing contest. I was living in the country and working in a factory and thinking I'd be better off raising my daughter alone. I was prettier than I thought, with a pixie hair cut and a relatively good figure, but unfortunately just as trapped as I felt. That was fairly early in the most tumultuous period in my life, which only settled down less than two years ago. At least, I think I can call it settled now.
So what about 2009? It felt stagnant, even though I can point to dramatic events from the past year, most likely because of the maddening lack of writing-related business till about September. I think I probably needed a break, but I'm compulsively forward-moving, so sometimes Nature has to force the breaks upon me, at which point I wail and stamp my feet at the unfairness. I learned a lot of stuff in 2009, and thank goodness; a year in which I didn't learn something about the world would be a failure, indeed. This year I learned
Also, this is as good a time as any to announce that I will be a step-grandmother in February. At first I kept the secret until my bonus daughter decided how she would handle her pregnancy, seeing as how she's a senior in high school, and then I kept it a secret because I needed my feelings about the situation to settle. Now that I have, I'm proud to announce that we will welcome a baby boy to brighten the bleakest month of the year. I'm trying to think of what the baby will call me. I'm too young to be called grandma! I thought Gary would be funny. You know, Grandma + Sherri = Gary. If I spelled it Gerri everybody would say Jerry. Unfortunately, Z didn't think it was as funny as I did. How about just Mimi?
So tonight we'll make some glitter crowns out of card stock and Maggie Rose will fall asleep on the couch while we all wait for the ball to drop, and at twelve oh one we'll drop into bed. Happy New Year, everybody. Best one yet.
Even though everybody else is reflecting enough to outshine me, I feel the need to add my reflections on the twenty-aughts. Looking over the past decade, it's hard to attach a single word or phrase which will sum it up. I mean, a decade is freakin' forever. When the decade began, my first child was still in diapers, I'd just had the dream which would inspire my first novel, and I bought my very first computer. I had somehow gotten myself a job as a columnist with a large local newspaper and had won 1st honorable mention in a major Oklahoma writing contest. I was living in the country and working in a factory and thinking I'd be better off raising my daughter alone. I was prettier than I thought, with a pixie hair cut and a relatively good figure, but unfortunately just as trapped as I felt. That was fairly early in the most tumultuous period in my life, which only settled down less than two years ago. At least, I think I can call it settled now.
So what about 2009? It felt stagnant, even though I can point to dramatic events from the past year, most likely because of the maddening lack of writing-related business till about September. I think I probably needed a break, but I'm compulsively forward-moving, so sometimes Nature has to force the breaks upon me, at which point I wail and stamp my feet at the unfairness. I learned a lot of stuff in 2009, and thank goodness; a year in which I didn't learn something about the world would be a failure, indeed. This year I learned
- how to be an editor, sorta, and how to write again;
- I can't keep my loved ones from making mistakes, and actually, the mistakes weren't mine to prevent in the first place;
- how to trust my intuition, and how to differentiate a gut feeling from a gas bubble;
- and finally, that I will probably never be comfortable in this world, and knowing that makes me more comfortable.
Also, this is as good a time as any to announce that I will be a step-grandmother in February. At first I kept the secret until my bonus daughter decided how she would handle her pregnancy, seeing as how she's a senior in high school, and then I kept it a secret because I needed my feelings about the situation to settle. Now that I have, I'm proud to announce that we will welcome a baby boy to brighten the bleakest month of the year. I'm trying to think of what the baby will call me. I'm too young to be called grandma! I thought Gary would be funny. You know, Grandma + Sherri = Gary. If I spelled it Gerri everybody would say Jerry. Unfortunately, Z didn't think it was as funny as I did. How about just Mimi?
So tonight we'll make some glitter crowns out of card stock and Maggie Rose will fall asleep on the couch while we all wait for the ball to drop, and at twelve oh one we'll drop into bed. Happy New Year, everybody. Best one yet.
It's a great feeling.
You're writing along, and suddenly you realize there's a flaw in the logic of your plot. You know where you want them to go, but you don't know how to get them there believably. You stop for a while, think it over, maybe jot some notes. You ask your characters and listen to their answers, but they don't know anymore than you do. Might take you hours or days, but eventually you put that scene aside and pick up the next scene, the one in which you know where they are, if not how they got there, and you write. And then, once you've well and truly released it, just like that your problem is somehow solved. It could be from a magical keystroke jostling your memory, or the water hitting your scalp in the shower, or a song your husband hums while shaving. Whatever it is, your brain makes the connection you were lacking, and the way is cleared. And it gets easier to go on faith every time you reach an impasse. The answer is in your brain somewhere, but you can't manufacture the key. The key is a gift, and you have to wait for it to appear. And when it does, it's a great feeling.
A little piece of my heart
I had a strange Christmas, but it turned out okay. I've declared this write-my-ass-off week, seeing has how hubby is on vacation and able to take care of the children. I'm usually sort of a pushover about it, but this week I'm holding my own, and am prepared to eat all my meals in my bedroom if necessary in order to reinforce the fact that Daddy is in charge. It worked today.
I'm posting a little excerpt, something I wrote today. It's rough and nobody will understand a bit of it, but I'm posting it to make myself feel better. I had to cut 3,000 words last night, and I have some nebulous feeling that showing the world that I actually am writing will heal that wound. *shrugs*
A little set-up: both Caellum and Drina are Ushers who live in the Black Veil, a parallel dimension to ours where souls go when they leave here. In this scene they're sitting on top of a building in our world, pondering things. Caellum's Scottish, and I'm still working on the best way to convey that through dialogue.
~~~
At Caellum's favorite bar, Drina sat at the edge of the roof with her legs dangling over, so close to Caellum that their thighs touched. She swung her right foot, hooked behind his left. Caellum didn't seem to mind.
He put his arm around her shoulders and jostled her playfully. "Are ye all right, lass?"
"I'll be fine." The Veil was as thin as they could make it, even though there was no music echoing between the buildings that night and the street was dark. Maybe in Lifeworld a lot of time had passed since they were last here, and this place, obviously in decline before, had finally succumbed. She could find a the date in a newspaper, but it had ceased to matter to her what had gone on in Lifeworld in her absence. Dipping in every few years was just a shock to her still-human thought processes, her expectation of time. Let the Black Veil carry her perception of time. Soon she would be surprised to Usher Abuela Delores to the Light, and soon after that, her mother. "I think I made a difference. Do you think so?"
The sliver of moon reflected off his scales in a halo around his elegant profile, lost when he turned to look at her. "Aye. Ye've set your mother's mind at ease as best ye can. My parents should have had such a dedicated child." He looked out over the street again, and the halo illuminated his peaceful expression once more, the peace of a man who knew he'd done good work.
"I don't think I ever want to do it again. Go into someone's dream, I mean. That was the last time I'll worry about my old life. What matters is here and now." She laid her hand on his thigh. Her heart was bursting with love for him, completely elemental and overwhelming, but she was glad. It pulled a deep sigh from her chest, and she closed her eyes and tilted her face to the sky, perhaps the first time in a long time she was completely unguarded with Caellum. His thigh muscle flexed under her palm, the scales so smooth against her skin, and she knew he felt as strongly as she did when she felt his fingertip on her lips. A soft, breathy hum escaped her throat. She opened her eyes, willing herself to stay in control.
He took her hand from his thigh and lifted it slowly to his mouth. She watched, anticipating the spark his lips would create on her skin. She remembered him saying, once upon a time, When it's your only bit of skin, it becomes extra important. She thought of it every time they'd made love in their strange, celibate way, skin on skin, teasing human hormones until they each collapsed with sweet frustration. The last few times, however, the frustration had simply been frustrating. If his lips touched her palm now, it would only push them apart once again.
She moved her hand at the last moment and lay it along his jaw. He held her hand there and looked into her eyes. She said, "I love you so much, Caellum. You torture me."
"No, lass, you torture me. But your wish is my command." He squeezed her hand before placing it in her lap, disengaging his foot from hers and scooting over. Those two inches felt like an icy mountain river. How could he switch off so quickly? Infuriating.
She'd get over it. He was with her, he loved her, he was still her best friend. They were comfortable together after a time of misunderstandings and hot tempers, so she would deal with the physical distance if it meant his heart would be hers. "When Mom thought you were Orlando I almost pissed my pants."
Caellum erupted into laughter, and with no one below to hear it, Drina didn't shush him.
"Hm," he said once his laughter subsided. "I imagine she picked up some of your intentions. It fit too well, didn't it?" He turned back to her deliberately. Just before his face slipped back into the shadow, he cocked an eyebrow.
Uh oh. Busted.
~~~
I'm posting a little excerpt, something I wrote today. It's rough and nobody will understand a bit of it, but I'm posting it to make myself feel better. I had to cut 3,000 words last night, and I have some nebulous feeling that showing the world that I actually am writing will heal that wound. *shrugs*
A little set-up: both Caellum and Drina are Ushers who live in the Black Veil, a parallel dimension to ours where souls go when they leave here. In this scene they're sitting on top of a building in our world, pondering things. Caellum's Scottish, and I'm still working on the best way to convey that through dialogue.
~~~
At Caellum's favorite bar, Drina sat at the edge of the roof with her legs dangling over, so close to Caellum that their thighs touched. She swung her right foot, hooked behind his left. Caellum didn't seem to mind.
He put his arm around her shoulders and jostled her playfully. "Are ye all right, lass?"
"I'll be fine." The Veil was as thin as they could make it, even though there was no music echoing between the buildings that night and the street was dark. Maybe in Lifeworld a lot of time had passed since they were last here, and this place, obviously in decline before, had finally succumbed. She could find a the date in a newspaper, but it had ceased to matter to her what had gone on in Lifeworld in her absence. Dipping in every few years was just a shock to her still-human thought processes, her expectation of time. Let the Black Veil carry her perception of time. Soon she would be surprised to Usher Abuela Delores to the Light, and soon after that, her mother. "I think I made a difference. Do you think so?"
The sliver of moon reflected off his scales in a halo around his elegant profile, lost when he turned to look at her. "Aye. Ye've set your mother's mind at ease as best ye can. My parents should have had such a dedicated child." He looked out over the street again, and the halo illuminated his peaceful expression once more, the peace of a man who knew he'd done good work.
"I don't think I ever want to do it again. Go into someone's dream, I mean. That was the last time I'll worry about my old life. What matters is here and now." She laid her hand on his thigh. Her heart was bursting with love for him, completely elemental and overwhelming, but she was glad. It pulled a deep sigh from her chest, and she closed her eyes and tilted her face to the sky, perhaps the first time in a long time she was completely unguarded with Caellum. His thigh muscle flexed under her palm, the scales so smooth against her skin, and she knew he felt as strongly as she did when she felt his fingertip on her lips. A soft, breathy hum escaped her throat. She opened her eyes, willing herself to stay in control.
He took her hand from his thigh and lifted it slowly to his mouth. She watched, anticipating the spark his lips would create on her skin. She remembered him saying, once upon a time, When it's your only bit of skin, it becomes extra important. She thought of it every time they'd made love in their strange, celibate way, skin on skin, teasing human hormones until they each collapsed with sweet frustration. The last few times, however, the frustration had simply been frustrating. If his lips touched her palm now, it would only push them apart once again.
She moved her hand at the last moment and lay it along his jaw. He held her hand there and looked into her eyes. She said, "I love you so much, Caellum. You torture me."
"No, lass, you torture me. But your wish is my command." He squeezed her hand before placing it in her lap, disengaging his foot from hers and scooting over. Those two inches felt like an icy mountain river. How could he switch off so quickly? Infuriating.
She'd get over it. He was with her, he loved her, he was still her best friend. They were comfortable together after a time of misunderstandings and hot tempers, so she would deal with the physical distance if it meant his heart would be hers. "When Mom thought you were Orlando I almost pissed my pants."
Caellum erupted into laughter, and with no one below to hear it, Drina didn't shush him.
"Hm," he said once his laughter subsided. "I imagine she picked up some of your intentions. It fit too well, didn't it?" He turned back to her deliberately. Just before his face slipped back into the shadow, he cocked an eyebrow.
Uh oh. Busted.
~~~
This is my Christmas post, updated
Update: This snowstorm we were expecting to be over by noon hasn't even really started yet, at 11:13. We're getting a little sleet, but the heavy stuff is taking it's sweet time. That means that the roads may still not be passable by tomorrow evening, when I'm expecting my immediate family to come. So...most of the treats are on hold until I find out if anyone will be here to eat them! Also, my back went out yesterday, so I have to let my husband do the heavy lifting--vacuuming and such--when he gets home from work today.
Since I have the holidays as an excuse, I'm going to let the blog go dark for a week or two. I'd really like to finish up a bunch of things I've started in the past couple of months cough*years*cough cough. Here's a totally uninteresting to-do list. Maybe I'll check them off as I complete each item.
I have three books going, two of them fiction with angels, and one about the sort-of angel within:
I am making three kinds of bourbon-less balls:
- milk chocolate *DONE*
- white chocolate *DONE*
- dark chocolate *on hold until I find out if my family will be able to make it to my house*
In other preparation for my Christmas visitors,
- Dusting
- vacuuming *delegated to hubby*
- clearing clutter *DONE*
- 2 pumpkin pies
- cherry cheesecake
- bending home-bound children to my will *PENDING*
I'm still determined to
- finish this work in progress soon, though I had to push back the due date a month. You folks who volunteered to be my first readers, should be ready for you sometime in January. So I guess I won't be marking this one done until I'm blogging again, but I will be working on it.
So I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, spent any way you like. I'm sure I'll see you on Facebook, and I'm only an email away.
This one's called HoPE
I didn't want the angry post to be up all weekend, so here's one about my new template. I lurve it! See that flower up there? Put your cursor over it, you should be able to change the picture. The old template was pretty, but the code was written for a much older version of Wordpress, and I think that's why I was having such trouble with my website not letting people comment, and losing my graphics and stuff. Since I'm not a code master, I decided to just look for another one. I think this one will do.
Meet the new Sherri. She is angry.
You who follow me on Facebook probably saw my distressing tree situation yesterday. My neighbor's son-in-law approved the removal of a tree on my side of the property line. I stopped it, but after consultation with the tree guys and pressure from the son-in-law, I caved and let them cut it down. I didn't go down easy, but at the time it felt like the only thing I could do. The tree was causing my neighbor electrical problems and cutting to eliminate them would have mangled it. When I gave the go-ahead I cried in front of all those guys and for an hour after I came back in. I felt powerless, coerced into approving the removal of the tree, and it rankles that I gave in even if it was the right thing to do. I'll never know if it was or not. It never occurred to me that I could have asked the tree guys to come back after I'd spoken with my actual neighbor, rather than her son-in-law. I doubt she even knew what he was doing.
The whole situation has solidified a new perspective which has been growing inside me for a couple of years. I used to have trouble believing that someone could willingly and knowingly take advantage of me. I assumed any slight or imposition was a careless mistake, or just a misunderstanding. Everything I've gone through has taught me that is a wrong assumption, thanks to this event, I can finally see it. I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm tired of letting people be mean to me, just because I may be interpreting their motives incorrectly, or, worse still, because I somehow think I deserve it. I'm tired of being pushed aside, ignored, bulldozed, scorned. I'm tired of being tossed in the wake of other people's desires.
Meet the new Sherri. She is angry. Don't fuck with her.
A twist ending
Maybe you all remember the book cover I featured in a post a couple of weeks ago. I'm reading the book now, and so far it's been very entertaining. The author has been advertising free pdf copies of Armageddon Bound through the 18th. Email him (tim at tmarquitz dot com) by tomorrow, and he says he'll send you one.
And that leads me to an interesting coincidence involving my chance meeting with Tim and my editing job at Eternal Press. Here's the chain of events:
So there's a twist ending to my time at Eternal Press. Dun-dun-dunnnnn. Isn't that weird? Apparently the owner of Damnation Books is a former editor at Eternal Press. I had no idea there was a connection between the two companies before today. The coincidence is irrelevant because I finished my final assignment a few days ago, but it's still weird. Actually, the timing makes it weirder. Of course now I'm thinking it's a sign I shouldn't have quit, or a sign I did the right thing, or a sign that... You know me. Though I don't really believe coincidences like these are necessarily a sign to do something, I do think they are God's way of saying, Pay attention! So I will.
And that leads me to an interesting coincidence involving my chance meeting with Tim and my editing job at Eternal Press. Here's the chain of events:
- I featured Armageddon Bound here because the book's cover caught my eye on a review blog.
- The author was kind enough to leave a comment on my blog, and subsequently we connected on a couple of social networking sites
- Armageddon Bound is published by Damnation Books.
- The news broke yesterday that Damnation Books is acquiring Eternal Press, my former employer.
So there's a twist ending to my time at Eternal Press. Dun-dun-dunnnnn. Isn't that weird? Apparently the owner of Damnation Books is a former editor at Eternal Press. I had no idea there was a connection between the two companies before today. The coincidence is irrelevant because I finished my final assignment a few days ago, but it's still weird. Actually, the timing makes it weirder. Of course now I'm thinking it's a sign I shouldn't have quit, or a sign I did the right thing, or a sign that... You know me. Though I don't really believe coincidences like these are necessarily a sign to do something, I do think they are God's way of saying, Pay attention! So I will.
Not bullets, but still scattered
It's a busy week, with Christmas programs and school parties. Maggie's cast comes off today. With drive time that will probably be a 4-hr event, so I might not have time to comment on blogs.
Speaking of Maggie's cast, since blogging about it I've gotten a lot of hits from the search term "her cast". It seems a strange term to search on to me, not specific enough to find anything relevant, unless they are looking for the cast of a show called Her, so I did a little digging. When I searched on it, though, all I got were articles which used it the same way I did. The searches have been scattered across the world and through different search engines, so it's perplexing.
Anyhoo...
I got a Wii Fit Plus so I'll have some kind of physical activity over the winter. I have a treadmill, but it doesn't seem to have much of an impact on my overall health. Plus it's boring as hell. I have Wii Sports as well, but it's a couple of years old, and also boring. So that's where the Wii Fit Plus comes in. New games, a virtual exercise coach, that cool balance board...Right now my concern is keeping myself from melting into the couch, but I'm sure I'll graduate to something more strenuous later. I saw something about Jillian Michaels having a training game for the balance board, and she's tough.
Seems like there was something else to talk about but I can't remember, and I'm out of time, besides. Hope you have a great day.
Speaking of Maggie's cast, since blogging about it I've gotten a lot of hits from the search term "her cast". It seems a strange term to search on to me, not specific enough to find anything relevant, unless they are looking for the cast of a show called Her, so I did a little digging. When I searched on it, though, all I got were articles which used it the same way I did. The searches have been scattered across the world and through different search engines, so it's perplexing.
Anyhoo...
I got a Wii Fit Plus so I'll have some kind of physical activity over the winter. I have a treadmill, but it doesn't seem to have much of an impact on my overall health. Plus it's boring as hell. I have Wii Sports as well, but it's a couple of years old, and also boring. So that's where the Wii Fit Plus comes in. New games, a virtual exercise coach, that cool balance board...Right now my concern is keeping myself from melting into the couch, but I'm sure I'll graduate to something more strenuous later. I saw something about Jillian Michaels having a training game for the balance board, and she's tough.
Seems like there was something else to talk about but I can't remember, and I'm out of time, besides. Hope you have a great day.
Scattered bullets
It's a beautiful morning, though a cold front will be coming in this afternoon, plunging us back below freezing after a day's reprieve during which the kids played barefoot in the dirt. So let's see...what else is going on in Blossomland...
I feel like there's so much more I could be talking about, but I'm scattered. Anything you'd like to hear more about? Wanna tell me what you've got going on?
- Maggie gets her cast off Wednesday. I imagine they'll x-ray her first, but I don't see any reason they'd leave it on. She's felt no pain for a week, at least. She will have to wear the cast for her school Christmas program tomorrow. I'll probably buy a red sock to cover the bright pink, or else I'll buy her a pink Christmas dress to match.
- I finished up my final project for Eternal Press last night and sent it off to my managing editor. I'm absolutely certain the decision to leave is the right one for me at this time. I'll let you know when this vampire erotic fantasy is released in February.
- That post I did about being blocked by a friend? Well just a day or two after, one of my best friends from college reconnected with me on Facebook and salved my soul. He's a world traveler and drifts in and out of my life every few years. I'm pretty easy to find, as I have never lived outside of Central Oklahoma.
- Can't wait to see Avatar! But how come aliens are always shaped like us? Even down to the women having breasts? I'm sure it's a choice between realistic speculative world-building and concessions to characters a human can identify with. You know, because if a creature has boobs our brains supply woman seamlessly, and then they can focus on other aspects of a story. But still, it bugs me.
- So far I haven't had anybody tell me I should be linking to them, so maybe those people don't read me anymore. Thanks to those of you who checked your links.
- I will be making bourbon balls this year, and some other goodies for our Christmas night gathering, only I'll have white, milk AND dark chocolate coating on the bourbon balls, and maybe even actual bourbon if I can talk the hubs into going to the liquor store. Maybe he could also buy a bottle of wine
I feel like there's so much more I could be talking about, but I'm scattered. Anything you'd like to hear more about? Wanna tell me what you've got going on?
Sidebar shuffle
I was thinking about how I needed to update my sidebar, because I know there are people who link to me but to whom I haven't added a link but I waited too long and now I don't know who they are. I used to love tinkering with my site, but lately it's just been a chore. So I thought I would ask for help on this one.
So here's what we'll do, if you'll indulge me:
So here's what we'll do, if you'll indulge me:
- If any of you would like to be on my sidebar and aren't, please leave a comment and let me know
- If you have a favorite writing or publishing site that isn't on my list, put that in a comment and I'll check it out.
- If you are already on my sidebar, please take a moment and make sure your URL is correct and, if you have more than one, that I'm using the one you prefer.
Why I write
I get very, very lonesome during the day when I'm here all by myself. It's been a long time since I was in complete control of my time, and I can see why I felt so crazy when I was single and living alone. People distract me from the loneliness, but it never goes away. I used to think this was a bad thing and tried to find ways to dispel it from my psyche, but recently I've been thinking loneliness is actually a good thing--and also that maybe I'm calling it loneliness but that's the wrong word for my feeling. I'm longing for something...but maybe it's not people. I feel loneliest when I'm outside at night in the summertime, and the wind of an approaching storm is whipping my hair. I want the lightning to touch me so that for one brief instant I'll be connected to the clouds, to the infinite sky and know what it is to be eternal.
That is unlikely, so I suppose I will embrace the yearning. Put it in my work, make you feel it, and then maybe I won't be so lonely. That is why I write.
That is unlikely, so I suppose I will embrace the yearning. Put it in my work, make you feel it, and then maybe I won't be so lonely. That is why I write.
Tag :
Life
Blockage
As you can see, I've changed things around a bit. I removed the landing page so my blog is right up front, added a bio page, and added an RSS feed at the top of the sidebar. The bio is just an old one I had lying around, but as it appeared I would never write a new one I figured it was better than nothing. I dislike those things so much.
Have you ever been blocked by someone in your social media travels? Isn't it the strangest feeling? When a simple "Please don't contact me anymore" would suffice, being blocked seems like overkill. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, but I'm sort of dense sometimes, I guess. Of course, I've done it to strangers who make me uncomfortable, so when it happens to me I wonder what I've done wrong. Darcknyt had a similar experience on Twitter, but I think the consensus on his unexplained blockage was that it was a mistake. It's even weirder and more hurtful when it's somebody you care about, even if you know why it happened, but worse when you don't.
Way back in '99, before this world of pseudo-relationships and e-friendships intruded on my daily life, I worked at a Wrangler jeans factory with a girl named Julie. She was Kickapoo Indian and taught me how to say things in Kickapoo, to the amusement of her Indian friends. She told me her stories and I told her mine, and we were, I thought, good friends for a couple of years. You know, not that we called each other outside of work, but a good friend nonetheless. I loved her and would have been open to an outside friendship.
One day, we were laughing and ribbing each other while the other girls on the line wished we would shut up and work. This was long ago so I don't remember how it started, but I joked, "Well then I just won't talk to you for the rest of the day," or , "Don't talk to me anymore," or something like that. So she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I thought it was a joke. The next morning I said hi to her, and she looked at me and went back to tacking those pockets without a word. I said, "Oh, you're still not talking, huh?" Nothing. I still wasn't sure she wasn't still joking around, so I let her be silent. As the days passed, it was clear she was not going to come around.
Julie and I worked together for a while after that, at least many months, probably a year, maybe two, and she never spoke to me again. I had been blocked.
I moved on, but it still haunts me. Did she think I was serious? Was it a pride thing? I never had the chance to explain myself or apologize, because such words bounced off her. So I guess we weren't friends after all, because wouldn't a friend give another friend a chance to explain? Wouldn't a friend lower the wall of hurt or pride or whatever for a moment, at least entertain the possibility that a misunderstanding had occurred? I don't know. Maybe I don't even know what friendship is. Do you?
Have you ever been blocked by someone in your social media travels? Isn't it the strangest feeling? When a simple "Please don't contact me anymore" would suffice, being blocked seems like overkill. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, but I'm sort of dense sometimes, I guess. Of course, I've done it to strangers who make me uncomfortable, so when it happens to me I wonder what I've done wrong. Darcknyt had a similar experience on Twitter, but I think the consensus on his unexplained blockage was that it was a mistake. It's even weirder and more hurtful when it's somebody you care about, even if you know why it happened, but worse when you don't.
Way back in '99, before this world of pseudo-relationships and e-friendships intruded on my daily life, I worked at a Wrangler jeans factory with a girl named Julie. She was Kickapoo Indian and taught me how to say things in Kickapoo, to the amusement of her Indian friends. She told me her stories and I told her mine, and we were, I thought, good friends for a couple of years. You know, not that we called each other outside of work, but a good friend nonetheless. I loved her and would have been open to an outside friendship.
One day, we were laughing and ribbing each other while the other girls on the line wished we would shut up and work. This was long ago so I don't remember how it started, but I joked, "Well then I just won't talk to you for the rest of the day," or , "Don't talk to me anymore," or something like that. So she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I thought it was a joke. The next morning I said hi to her, and she looked at me and went back to tacking those pockets without a word. I said, "Oh, you're still not talking, huh?" Nothing. I still wasn't sure she wasn't still joking around, so I let her be silent. As the days passed, it was clear she was not going to come around.
Julie and I worked together for a while after that, at least many months, probably a year, maybe two, and she never spoke to me again. I had been blocked.
I moved on, but it still haunts me. Did she think I was serious? Was it a pride thing? I never had the chance to explain myself or apologize, because such words bounced off her. So I guess we weren't friends after all, because wouldn't a friend give another friend a chance to explain? Wouldn't a friend lower the wall of hurt or pride or whatever for a moment, at least entertain the possibility that a misunderstanding had occurred? I don't know. Maybe I don't even know what friendship is. Do you?
It makes me sad, the things we do to each other
The national news picked up the 911 recording of a home defender fatally shooting an intruder near Chandler, OK...just right down the highway from me. (You'll want to turn down your sound because an ad starts playing when the page loads.) I actually lived only a few miles from there several years ago. I saw a story on The Early Show with an abbreviated version of the 911 call. It made me cry, because clearly this lady was in anguish over what she'd been forced to do. My heart goes out to this woman, and the disturbed man who was killed.
And yeah, I do feel sorry for the criminal. I don't think there's such a thing as pure evil. Crimes are committed out of mental illness and desperate circumstances; empathy is squashed by apathy and hopelessness and lingering immaturity. While I believe crime should not be tolerated, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own actions, I always wish I could help these people function happily in society. I think about what happened to make a human being feel it was all right to impose himself on someone in that moment. Maybe I should consider a career in psychotherapy. Definitely not law. Or maybe I should be a writer...
In the above situation, there's just no good outcome. Whatever drove the man to break into Ms. Jackson's home ended one life and forever changed another. It makes me sad, the things we do to each other.
And yeah, I do feel sorry for the criminal. I don't think there's such a thing as pure evil. Crimes are committed out of mental illness and desperate circumstances; empathy is squashed by apathy and hopelessness and lingering immaturity. While I believe crime should not be tolerated, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own actions, I always wish I could help these people function happily in society. I think about what happened to make a human being feel it was all right to impose himself on someone in that moment. Maybe I should consider a career in psychotherapy. Definitely not law. Or maybe I should be a writer...
In the above situation, there's just no good outcome. Whatever drove the man to break into Ms. Jackson's home ended one life and forever changed another. It makes me sad, the things we do to each other.
Tag :
Life
Back to peon status
I blogged a week or so ago about singing "The Way We Were" in a dream, which affected my mood for the whole day. Well last night I sang Copa Cabana, probably because of that Barry Manilow concert I watched on PBS the other night, but oddly the mood today doesn't match the song. Or maybe it does, because despite the samba beat, the lyrics are tragic. I'm not blue, just careful and thoughtful. Slow. I get the feeling there were other dreams before the Copa one that are bearing upon my day.
Well I am a little sad, because I resigned from my editing job over the weekend. I have to finish up this book, another week, tops, and then I will no longer hold the title Content Editor. *sniff* It was necessary. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I really wanted to do, got those priorities lined up straight, and finishing this WIP was #1, right up top. Let me tell you folks, it ain't writing itself, and editing simply takes too much of my time and focus. It almost killed me last month when I didn't even have time to open my document for three weeks solid. When I applied for the job in April, time wasn't a concern because I couldn't even type with both hands, and I didn't know if I would ever write again. I'm driving forward now.
My managing editor was sweet about it, saying she about cried when she read my email because she hated to lose such a good editor. My self-deprecating instinct says that's just what people say, but at this point there's really no reason for her to pump sunshine up my skirt, to borrow a phrase from an old friend. So maybe if this writing thing slows down I can pick up the mantle again, because I did so like calling myself an editor.
But for now, I'm just a plain wannabe again.
Well I am a little sad, because I resigned from my editing job over the weekend. I have to finish up this book, another week, tops, and then I will no longer hold the title Content Editor. *sniff* It was necessary. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I really wanted to do, got those priorities lined up straight, and finishing this WIP was #1, right up top. Let me tell you folks, it ain't writing itself, and editing simply takes too much of my time and focus. It almost killed me last month when I didn't even have time to open my document for three weeks solid. When I applied for the job in April, time wasn't a concern because I couldn't even type with both hands, and I didn't know if I would ever write again. I'm driving forward now.
My managing editor was sweet about it, saying she about cried when she read my email because she hated to lose such a good editor. My self-deprecating instinct says that's just what people say, but at this point there's really no reason for her to pump sunshine up my skirt, to borrow a phrase from an old friend. So maybe if this writing thing slows down I can pick up the mantle again, because I did so like calling myself an editor.
But for now, I'm just a plain wannabe again.
Tag :
Life
Speaking of book covers...
The company I edit for does videos of their monthly releases, and this month's is out. My friend Jayden Chelsee/Tabitha Shay's western romance is the first book you see in the video, but I didn't work on that one.
No, both of the ones I worked on are erotica short stories, and I've just seen the covers for the first time. They are fantastic! Jezebel's Article is a vampire fantasy, and Ink Me is set in a tattoo shop. I edited these at the same time, switching off (hm, reminds me of Jezebel's Article...) and though the protagonists have similar voices, the stories are very different. If you're into such literature, go check 'em out!
No, both of the ones I worked on are erotica short stories, and I've just seen the covers for the first time. They are fantastic! Jezebel's Article is a vampire fantasy, and Ink Me is set in a tattoo shop. I edited these at the same time, switching off (hm, reminds me of Jezebel's Article...) and though the protagonists have similar voices, the stories are very different. If you're into such literature, go check 'em out!
Now this is an effective book cover
Wow. This cover hit me right between the eyes. I haven't even read the blurb for Demon Squad: Armageddon Bound yet, but I already want to buy it. Now I'm off to read about the book.
ETA: Now I'm laughing, because the Fantasy Book Critic described the cover as "sedate". I guess after I've looked at it a while, it's lost its punch, but I still like how that guy is pointing the gun at me. I could do without the obligatory mostly-naked posing chick, but I still like it.
The spiral
Yesterday's post ended with my description of my favorite symbol of life's journey, the spiral. Sarah linked to a simple yet interesting page about the spiral in nature and in symbolism, and this paragraph struck me:
"Some consider the spiral a symbol of the spiritual journey. It is also considered to represent the evolutionary process of learning and growing. It seems that life doesn't proceed in a straight line. The path of life more closely resemble a spiral. We seem to pass the same point over and over again but from a different perspective each time. To walk and then stand in the center of a spiral or labyrinth has been a psycho-spiritual exercise for centering the consciousness."
The sentence in bold was what I was attempting to convey in my description. We seem to pass the same point over and over again but from a different perspective each time. When drawing a spiral, we start at the inner point and work our way out. Dorothy started her journey to the Wizard in the center of the Yellow Brick Road's spiral. But when contemplating it as the path of a spiritual journey, we seem to start at the outer point and go to the inner, as if by spiraling further into our consciousness we go back to the beginning, before any of the crap that started the need for a journey even happened.
Thanks for the link, Sarah.
esterday's post ended with my description of my favorite symbol of life's journey, the spiral. Sarah linked to an interesting page exploring the spiral in nature and in symbolism, and this paragraph struck me:
The sentence in bold was what I was attempting to convey in my description. We seem to pass the same point over and over again but from a different perspective each time. When drawing a spiral, we start at the inner point and work our way out. Dorothy started her journey to the Wizard in the center of the Yellow Brick Road's spiral. But when contemplating it as the path of a spiritual journey, we seem to start at the outer point and go to the inner, as if by spiraling further into our consciousness we go back to the beginning, before any of the crap that started the need for a journey even happened.
Some consider the spiral a symbol of the spiritual journey. It is also considered to represent the evolutionary process of learning and growing. It seems that life doesn't proceed in a straight line. The path of life more closely resemble a spiral. We seem to pass the same point over and over again but from a different perspective each time. To walk and then stand in the center of a spiral or labyrinth has been a psycho-spiritual exercise for centering the consciousness.
The sentence in bold was what I was attempting to convey in my description. We seem to pass the same point over and over again but from a different perspective each time. When drawing a spiral, we start at the inner point and work our way out. Dorothy started her journey to the Wizard in the center of the Yellow Brick Road's spiral. But when contemplating it as the path of a spiritual journey, we seem to start at the outer point and go to the inner, as if by spiraling further into our consciousness we go back to the beginning, before any of the crap that started the need for a journey even happened.
A ramble, turned philosophical
I feel like blogging, but I don't have any epiphanies to share. Is that okay? Can I just ramble? (Right now you're asking the computer screen, "How is that any different from any other day?")
I've been writing regularly this week, now that I'm done with the hard part of the novel I was editing. Funny how I go entire weeks ignoring that urge to write, and then when I actually don't have the time, I can't stand it! I must scratch this itch!
This time around, it seems easier to get a thousand words than it used to be. I may actually be able to make my goal of getting this draft done by Christmas. I cain't hardly believe it. (Yes, I'm thinking in my hick accent today.) I love where this book is taking me. I look over the past year and can't believe all the ups and downs I've had with my writing--some physical, some mental. Okay, most mental.
But really, I've said this every year, haven't I? Two-thousand-blank was a truly crappy year, I say, and next year will be great. Honestly, I've had some major setbacks this year, but I think things are getting easier. I've never looked forward to Christmas as an adult, but here I am, buying gifts on credit and not worrying about it at all. Tired of whining, tired of tripping over hurdles.
It's so easy to think of my circumstances at any given moment as a static state of being, and that's simply not true. I've been sorting out the jumble of thoughts and beliefs and desires in my head, figuring out which ones belong there and which came from someone else. I feel like this is something I've said many times since starting this blog, have I? Well, it's a long process. It's not one a-ha moment, it's a series of them.
My brother and I think of life's lessons as a spiral. You start on the outer edge, and travel around toward the center. Now imagine a straight line crossing, connecting the beginning point with the inner, end point. At each intersection, there's a bump. That bump is an a-ha moment. If you are visualizing what I tried to explain, you'll understand there are many bumps on this spiral, and on each course it takes less time to reach the next a-ha moment. Say, a year on the outer edge, and toward the center only weeks, or even days. You repeat the same realizations, sooner each time, until you get it.
At least, I've noticed that pattern in my own life. How does that fit with how you see your growth?
I've been writing regularly this week, now that I'm done with the hard part of the novel I was editing. Funny how I go entire weeks ignoring that urge to write, and then when I actually don't have the time, I can't stand it! I must scratch this itch!
This time around, it seems easier to get a thousand words than it used to be. I may actually be able to make my goal of getting this draft done by Christmas. I cain't hardly believe it. (Yes, I'm thinking in my hick accent today.) I love where this book is taking me. I look over the past year and can't believe all the ups and downs I've had with my writing--some physical, some mental. Okay, most mental.
But really, I've said this every year, haven't I? Two-thousand-blank was a truly crappy year, I say, and next year will be great. Honestly, I've had some major setbacks this year, but I think things are getting easier. I've never looked forward to Christmas as an adult, but here I am, buying gifts on credit and not worrying about it at all. Tired of whining, tired of tripping over hurdles.
It's so easy to think of my circumstances at any given moment as a static state of being, and that's simply not true. I've been sorting out the jumble of thoughts and beliefs and desires in my head, figuring out which ones belong there and which came from someone else. I feel like this is something I've said many times since starting this blog, have I? Well, it's a long process. It's not one a-ha moment, it's a series of them.
My brother and I think of life's lessons as a spiral. You start on the outer edge, and travel around toward the center. Now imagine a straight line crossing, connecting the beginning point with the inner, end point. At each intersection, there's a bump. That bump is an a-ha moment. If you are visualizing what I tried to explain, you'll understand there are many bumps on this spiral, and on each course it takes less time to reach the next a-ha moment. Say, a year on the outer edge, and toward the center only weeks, or even days. You repeat the same realizations, sooner each time, until you get it.
At least, I've noticed that pattern in my own life. How does that fit with how you see your growth?
