I've been avoiding the blog this week, because I've been processing some drama. My step-daughter Z announced on Tuesday she was getting married this Friday. To a man she's dated a month. When she called to tell me I told her it was the dumbest idea she's ever had. Afterward, I felt bad about being so harsh, but it was such a nasty shock.
I know my yelling won't change a damn thing, so I calmed myself and told her I was behind her, if not her decision. She swears she's thought it through, and I believe she sincerely wants to make a life with him, not just cause drama. But, you know...she's known him a month. Who shows their warts after a month? Z's so young, she doesn't even know what she doesn't know, and of course she won't listen to the wisdom of her elders who maybe DO know what she doesn't know. Who may know a little something about how people can surprise you, disappoint you, in ways she can't even imagine. He seems like a nice young man, but you know...so did Ted Bundy.
I'm sure he's not a Ted Bundy, but maybe he drinks too much. Maybe a little disrespect will start to show after they've been together a while. Maybe he's a cheater. Maybe she shows him something he doesn't like and he wants to leave, but now, you know, they're committed. Also, there's her baby to consider.
Even though I'm trying to be there for her, I want to strangle her. I want to save her from a life of struggle. She doesn't know she's probably laying the foundation for that very life with this action. It's hard enough being a teenage mother, but she's going to add the stress of marriage to that? As far as I can tell, she has no plans to go to college. I'm reminding myself that she's technically an adult, and it's her right to choose her own path. At the very least, this will teach her something about life. And heck, maybe they'll prove the cynics wrong.
I thought about deleting this, but there's nothing here I haven't told her, except maybe the strangling part. She's not my blood but she is my daughter, and it's just hard, you know? Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Oiy. How did we survive our own teenage selves? (or our twenties for that matter?).
ReplyDeleteSaying you are behind her, if not her decision, was a great thing to say, IMO. You've left the door open for her to seek help if she needs it. My only other thought was to try and figure out, why the rush? Is he the one pushing for it? Is he in effect saying "marry me right now or forget the whole thing"? If so, to me, honestly, that's a huge red flag. Maybe see if she'd be willing to do a few things first- like bring the parents together, his and hers, for a get-together. (Who knows how they feel about it, and you'd learn more about him by meeting them). And have him meet with you without her, to talk about things like money, childrearing, etc. If he's straight up, he shouldn't baulk at that.
I censored out some of the most disturbing things since I publicly published it to begin with. One is that he's 24, she's 18. Another is that he works at a fast food restaurant, as does she. He has two little girls who live with their mother. I think they do a lot of drugs together. She's given her baby to her mom and moved in with him. SO many things to worry about. She swears he's not pressuring her, but she might not even recognize it as pressure. He's 24. for God's sake. He should know better than this.
ReplyDeleteSo as you can see, more than likely she won't listen to anything anyone says. She's convinced it will work. And the wedding is tomorrow. So yeah. I want to cry.
Wow. At least the baby is safe, eh? And you know what? it's probably end with her leaving, another life lesson learned. Apart from confronting this guy directly and telling him to back off, As long as she knows she can call you if she needs help, you've done what you can.
ReplyDeleteI've really thought about having a talk with him, but I think that would alienate Z, and she might need me if he ends up being violent or controlling. Another reason not to confront him with little hope of changing their minds, if he's a controlling person he might try to keep her away from me, too. I'd like to be non-threatening until I find out what kind of person he is. Everybody else is taking the hard-nose stance, so that's covered. If I can stay calm she'll at least feel comfortable asking me for help if she needs it. When she needs it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for listening, Sarah. I really needed to get it off my chest.
Agreed- if the hard-nosed stance is covered, as you say, then being the one she feels she can talk to, is best. I can tell you understand the whole abusive relationship dynamic and that will serve both of you well if it comes to that. She's lucky to have you in her life Sherri.
ReplyDeleteI guess we'll see, won't we? lol
ReplyDeleteAh the poor thing. She thinks she's being a grown-up now, playing house and mommy.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one for me because Darc and I nearly got married after a week. But, we were much older, had already gone through a divorce each, and knew what we wanted and didn't want in a relationship. We'd been through some ringers so that whole "life" thing wasn't an unknown commodity. As it was, we waited 2 mos and that was only due to scheduling conflicts with the man we wanted to marry us.
Z is only 18 and - did she finish high school? Neither of them have good jobs that can support a household of 5 - so they've dumped the kids off on other people and let me guess, they're planning on having one of their own. *sigh*
I know you're hurting - and sadly she can't see it's only because you love her so much. Right now she only thinks you're trying to "run her life" and "tell her what to do" I bet. I'm so sorry. *hugs* It's so hard trying to parent children who think they're adults. She doesn't even realize her brain isn't done growing and she thinks she's capable of making life decision. Oy! How is R doing with all of this? Did he go hard line on her too? I think it's a good thing you're trying to be a bit softer and more open - there is a lot of truth to that. She'll probably come to you before anyone else when things fall apart.
I hurt for you hon. I know you feel like you're watching an accident in slow motion and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I wish I knew what to say to comfort you, and I wish I knew what to say to Z that would make her understand how foolish this decision is.
I'm here if you need me. *hugs*
I did wonder if they were going to have a baby right away, but I decided not to worry about it until it happens. Watching an accident in slow motion is a good way to describe it.
ReplyDeleteShe did graduate HS, thank goodness. Her dad is taking my approach, in fact told her a lot of the same things I did. I'm glad we're on the same page.
I probably won't blog about it again, so I'll just email you ladies to let you know what happens. Her facebook status this morning indicates she's still going through with it, but she didn't answer my text yesterday so I guess I'm not invited. Ah well, what can I do? Just wait.