Sherri Cornelius

I put it off as long as I could, but I had to go to Wal-Mart today. The nearest one is about 20 minutes from my house. Today's journey home took me 32 minutes. This is a good thing, and I'll tell you why.

Apparently I missed the memo declaring today Twenty-five Mile Per Hour Day. I think it was also Cut Off Sherri in Traffic Day. So every time one slow ass would turn, I'd speed up to the limit only to have another one pull out in front of me like he was in a big hurry and then go the decreed 25 mph. To illustrate how ridiculous it was: As one car (the final one, but I didn't know that then) turned out in front of me, I yelled, "If you go 25 miles an hour, I will drive my car up your !@#$% tailpipe!!" (Note the double exclamation points for emphasis.) Unfortunately, he'd indeed received the memo, but my car wouldn't actually fit in his tailpipe.

Well at that point I just had to laugh. I said out loud to no one in particular, "Oh well. Maybe this is God's way of keeping me out of a wreck. You never know." I relaxed and kept on truckin'. Slowly, of course.

So that guy turned soon, and finally I was free to go as freaking fast as I wanted, and what I wanted was only the speed limit. I drove unfettered for a couple of miles, when up ahead I saw flashing lights in front of my grocery store. No lie, there had been what looked like a head-on collision. The wreck was fresh enough that there wasn't anybody directing traffic yet, but there were several cop cars so it had been at least a few minutes. I estimate ten. About the amount of time the slow asses cost me.

I guess I'll never know if someone was looking out for me, but just remember when somebody is bugging the shit out of you: Maybe they're bugging the shit out of you on behalf of your guardian angel.