Sherri Cornelius

This was my diary entry from 2 1/2 years ago. It resonates with me today.

Feeling today...like I need to find a way to release my fear that everyone's out to get me. Like holding back to protect myself doesn't really protect me. How would it feel to go through my day feeling like everyone I interact with has no agenda, no expectations, only a pure desire to connect and share? How would that feel? Everyone has an agenda, of course, because that's how we go through life. But what if I had faith that those agendas contained no secret need that I had to fulfill? What if I stopped looking for the punchline? The irony? The trip wire? What if I went through my day open to possibility, open to helping others when they need it? I'd like to be able to instantly assess when people need my help, even when they don't ask, my real help and not my propping up of their ego. If I get out of the mental fetal position and look people in the eye, what then? I think I'm afraid they WILL need me. I fear looking like a fool--too excited, too enthusiastic, too dumb, too womanly. I fear being myself, because that self has been criticized so much. Today I will stop working on my faults and start finding my strengths, and start working on those.

How about this: Today I will stop trying to hide my flaws. By trying to hide my flaws I'm hiding the good parts of me, too.

I had let the daily practice of this fall away, but I can see how I benefited from it. Maybe I didn’t exactly let it fall away as I simply let it fall inside. It’s been stewing and now it’s ready to come back out. Back then it was a what-if. Now that last sentence feels like a fact. Also, I’ve learned since then that flaws are subjective and forgivable.

I’ve been thinking about my reluctance to write. I used to think it was garden-variety writer’s block, and it seemed very clearly connected to stress: the normal stressors at home; the pressure of having an agent and the expectations that went along with it; physical restrictions, such as migraines. Then there are little bullshit reasons, like not having a suitable writing space (though what that might be I haven’t figured out yet).

I feel like an asshole, knowing other people write in the face of greater pressures and still being unable somehow to overcome my piddly ones. But the one thing I’ve known the entire time is that it’s a mental block. The stress isn’t only an excuse, it’s a real reason. What I haven’t known is why stress shuts me down.

So the reason I’m finally writing about this is because I think I've placed another piece, possibly the most important piece, of my psychological puzzle.

Now, I’ve mentioned the fear of success in passing in previous reflections on writer’s block, but I’ve never taken it seriously. I mean, how douchey does fearing success sound? “I’m so good it scares me.” Right. But last night I was telling my kids how I didn’t apply myself in college, a typical parent’s warning to learn from my mistakes. All night the memory nagged me, the memory of what it felt like to choose to skip voice lessons that last semester, to avoid going to the piano practice rooms (and then when I got there to study history instead of playing scales), to be glad to excuse my slacking by pointing to my full-time job.

And it felt familiar. Well yeah, of course it’s familiar because I went through it, but it felt recently familiar. And then I made the connection. It’s the same thing I do today with writing. The same reluctance to begin. The same restlessness when I finally sit down to write. The same anxiety about what I should be doing as opposed to what I am doing, and it doesn’t seem to matter what those two things are. In fact, they switch places regularly.

Once I realized this connection I started to make others. I’ll go into those in the next post. This is a biggie. I hope I can see it through.

I feel like organizing today, but I can’t seem to find a place to start. I finally figured out that when I get to this state, it’s because I need to declutter before I can organize what is left. So instead of staring at the mess or moving it from one table to another, I’ll think about what I really need and put the rest in a donation box.

I feel pretty proud of myself for taking what I learned and applying it to change an old habit. For a long time I felt like such a slave to my unconscious (and detrimental) thinking patterns, so it’s nice to have gotten to the point where I can bring them out one at a time and deal with them. I guess this is what they mean when they say you become more of yourself in middle age. You start questioning the things others have drilled into you as fact, and you decide what you believe to be true.

And then, I suppose, most start drilling their own true facts into others, perpetuating the cycle. Is this something we are meant to do? I guess we’re not drilling so much as stating the truth as we know it. Maybe it’s human nature that the first 40 years or so we absorb our truths from other people, because we’re not experienced enough to trust our own truths.

I’ve reached a place where even though I might not be able to state my truth clearly, I recognize it when I see it. I recently saw the truth in a book about creativity called The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield. It is a small volume which tells me things I already knew but did not trust. I appreciate its compactness. Not a lot of jibber-jabber to fluff it up to an impressive size to the detriment of the message. I borrowed this from the library, but this one deserves a permanent place on my shelf. I’ll be putting it on my Amazon wish list.

So now I’m thinking a lot about what it means to be a creative person, how to not only accept that about myself but also how to celebrate it, and how to combine my creativity with my accumulated knowledge to let it manifest in my life.

Thank you sincerely for all your declarations of support after yesterday’s confession. I want to assure you that I’m fine, even better than fine because I finally have some movement on this issue that’s been dogging me for a long time. My feeling is that everything will work out for the best, and however that manifests is good with me. How very zen of me.

I’ve found an online support group for wives of alcoholics, so I have somewhere to go for advice. I’ll be getting a job of some kind when the kids go back to school so I won’t feel so helpless.

I’ve worked really hard not to talk him down to the kids, to keep his image good in their eyes, to focus on his strengths, but now I’m thinking it’s time to acknowledge to them his drinking is not normal. They don’t like his drinking or smoking, but I didn’t want to contaminate their feelings with my own frustrations. Now I can see that he would never have a frank discussion with them about it, and if they are enlightened it will be me doing it. Still haven’t decided how to handle that, and I guess that’s where my support group will come in.

I wondered if I would regret posting about this issue after a good night’s sleep, and I don’t. I’m glad I got it off my chest. I’m owning my problems and mistakes instead of running from them, and that’s empowering. Scary, but empowering.

A Christmas post? From me? I know, right? I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been a bit bah humbug in years past. The season starting when the kids go back to school and ending at Christmas is usually the hardest, leanest, most stressful time of the year. Fall used to be my favorite until I had kids, when the money got tight and responsibility got heavy.

This year seems to be lighter, I think because I hit the reset button last Christmas. I came to terms with my issues surrounding giving and, especially, receiving. Refusing to participate was a way of staying in the everyday where it’s safe, staying in control. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, I realized that it was really selfish of me not to receive. To defy the season and deny someone else the soul’s pleasure of giving is selfish.

So like I said, I’m better this year. I’m ready to participate and stop being such a grouch this time of year. And in honor of my new attitude I’m even writing a holiday post! I still can’t believe it!

I wish you and yours a happy Christmas, however you muddle through.

• So that self-centeredness I was talking about yesterday, I don't think it was a bad thing. It's no secret that starting in your mid to late 30s you start reevaluating your life. There are definite periods when one must go inward, challenge your beliefs. I think that's what I've been doing. It's probably been a bit of a challenge for the people around me, adjusting to me addressing my needs where before there was no reason for them to even think I had needs. I hope they love me enough to see that I needed to do it, and I hope that it has made me better able to see their needs as well.


• I'm reading this book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's sort of a cross-religion book that talks about the difference between the ego and the spirit. Very enlightening, and I may talk about it more in depth in the future.


• Out of my holiday to do list, I did finish a few things. One item I checked off was finishing Demon Squad: Armageddon Bound by Tim Marquitz. I'm not a reviewer, so I'll just give it a thumbs-up. It's a small publisher, and a new one, at that, so there are a few glitches in the formatting of the text in places, but if you like non-stop action and an engaging hero (despite his demon blood ;) pick it up. It's only, like, $5. And he's a nice guy, too.


• I'm still in my pajamas and I poured coffee in my cereal this morning, instead of milk. I really need to get back into my routine. Kids go back to school tomorrow, hubs went back to work today.


• My son has informed me he wants to be home schooled so he can spend more time with me. Awww.


• I'm bored now and I'm sure you are too, so good-bye!

I work with a lot of first-time authors, because that's part of what I love to do. But something I'm learning is that we may be doing you a disservice if we contract you when you've only written one book. Yes, writing that book was a huge accomplishment. And if your very first book garnered positive attention from editors and/or agents, that's even more of an accomplishment. It's terrific!

But it's not enough. The hard truth is that it takes a lot more than one book to really know "how to be a writer." So if you get contracted after that one book, over which you slaved for years, and then you're under the gun to produce another book on a deadline, what's going to happen? You are going to have a very, very difficult time.

• American Idol. I love, love, love Kara dioGuardia (the new judge). A lot of my favorite contestants got kicked off last night- Rose, Osmond, Girl w/Pink Hair-and a bunch I didn't like are gone as well-Bikini Girl is the only one I can remember right now. Good ones who stayed are Norman Gentle, Guy w/Cool Sideswept Black Hair. Bad ones who stayed: Tatiana "Obnoxious Girl".


• Busy life. I've become a lot busier lately. Been going to the doctor, getting car repairs done, picking up kids from school functions, writing more. I'm glad. I was bored.


• Dumping people. In my last post I was talking about letting the toxic people go, either by chance or by design, but I realized this morning that calling them "toxic" was dismissive and not entirely true. The word implies that there was something wrong with each person, or that I hated them, or that they'd done some injury to me. Really, those weren't the criteria for letting these people go. I had to assess my own reactions to each person's involvement, ask myself, "Do I feel off-balance when interacting with this person? Do interactions with this person cause me to act in a way that is out of line with what I want? Am I getting as much as I'm giving? Have I been honest with myself in previous assessments of this relationship?" You see it really had nothing to do with the people themselves, but with my needs at the moment. I realize that sounds really selfish, but as a person who automatically neglects her own needs, even for complete strangers, you might forgive me. They aren't bad people, and I miss them. FWIW, since I made the decision to assess my relationships with brutal honesty, I've felt more stable, more comfortable, more in touch with myself.


• My doctor visit. Going in for a follow-up on the sinus thing. Got a better dose of thyroid hormone a few days ago, and I already feel better in that regard. I <3 thyroid hormone. You do too, you just don't know it.


• 5 Essential FireFox Plug-ins (oops, broke my rule about linking while walking.)