Just start typing...
Well I guess I'm not alone in my belief that 2010 will be a year of positive change. And no, I don't believe that the changing of the Western calendar means an automatic fresh start. The change I feel coming is personal, and I believe the seedling sprouted, unnoticed, about three months ago. Some flaws were brought to light that I didn't realize were holding me back, such as the fear of showing my imperfections to you, and a heretofore unrecognized self-centeredness.
That second one is sort of a surprise, because my life has revolved around doing what others want of me. It's not conceit, but rather like a hard shell I've developed as a way to cope with feeling put upon all the time. It's made of some impervious substance which keeps close the little I have to call my own: things, attitudes, friends. I'm greedy and grasping and I don't like it. Things can't escape, but neither can they come in. I can't share what I have for fear of losing it, and I can't receive from others because I'm so balled up inside my shell. Though it's still pretty new, this realization, I hope to work on it throughout the year. I feel it has the potential to change my life. I want to be a giver, and right now I'm not.
In some ways I feel like I need somebody to guide me in this, tell me when I should be emoting with people and when I should be silent. One reason I dislike being demonstrative is that I often seem to get these mixed up, and so I find it safer just not to say anything at all. And somehow it has become the most unforgivable sin, to cause discomfort in others with my inappropriateness.
The fear of showing my imperfections, is something I've known about for a while, and is probably related to the self-centeredness in some way. My "Thoughts From the Treadmill" posts, as well as posting some less-than-perfect photos, were an exercise in releasing the fear. I've also been editing these posts less, and it drives me crazy that it shows. But I think our imperfections make us accessible (up to a point) and by never going out of the house without makeup, for instance, I might be putting out a better-than-you vibe, turning some people off. I have to allow others to see my vulnerabilities, as I wish fervently to see theirs.
What do you think?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I think you have to be careful not to over-expose yourself, relatively speaking (not "you" specific, "you" in general; "us" as it were).
ReplyDeleteI think you've grown a lot in being able to take back the right to be yourself.
I think you're going to continue to grow until you die. We all do.
And I'm glad to share the journey with you.
Thank you, dear Knyt. I'm glad, too. :) Good observations.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't think you're self-centered at all. You may feel that way sometimes, but it doesn't come through.
ReplyDeleteAs for someone guiding you through the emoting process ... I'm not very demonstrative either. I could only suggest not to stress about it too much, and just try to go with the flow. Hug those you feel like hugging. Sometimes being demonstrative is simply listening to others and following their lead. If they don't like hugs, they'll probably tell you. And I'm using hugs as an all-inclusive thing. :)
I would also suggest that you not worry too much about what others think. If you wear make-up, that's not putting out a "better than you" vibe, that's just you being comfortable in your own skin and there's nothing wrong with that. It really is okay to just be Sherri. You are wonderful (I heard that snort! shut up and quit arguing with me!) just as you are. Whatever changes you make along the way only improve the package sweetie. Love you! *hugs*
It doesn't come through because I'm very careful to hide it! lol
ReplyDeleteYou say you're not demonstrative, and maybe you're not IRL, but you're way more so than me online. I used to wish I could show the unwavering support you do, but I guess what I'm figuring out is that I'm not a failure if I have other things to offer instead. :)
And why the heck do I not have paragraphs in the comments anymore?? Wonder what I messed up.
I think it's ok to have an open heart, but a private life. I have a history of being a "share first, make sure it's safe later" kind of gal, but I've learned over the years to respect my own privacy more- while staying open to the (safe) invitations from others to move to a deeper level of communicating, when it feels right. hard call sometimes though!
ReplyDeleteI'm learning how to do that, but you're right, sometimes it's hard to know. It took me 39 years to figure out I even had a right to be discriminating, so I guess the skill will come in time.
ReplyDelete