Talked with a high school friend last night for the first time in years. It got me to thinking, as such conversations might, about all the things I'd planned to do, how much I've changed and how very, very similar I still am to that young woman. All these years I've been doing a self-therapy, trying to fix my personality, trying to be a different person. I never even questioned it; if I were able to heal all the wounds I'd acquired over the first third of my life, I would gain qualities which could not be contained inside the person I was, and so a new person would emerge. Not only was the new person better, stronger, faster than the old person; no, the picture I held unquestioned in my mind was a perfect person. A person who never made mistakes. A person who always knew the right thing to say and do, and always said and did them.
In the reflection of my old friend, I see I may not have changed much at all, at least not in the ways I'd hoped. Maybe those qualities I railed against are just ... me. That never occurred to me before. I thought I could fix them.
I'm not sad, just processing this. I love when fate requires me to challenge previously accepted fact. I may have more to say on this tomorrow.
Monday, January 26, 2009
This idea made me give up on self-help books and the rest. Not that we should stop trying to be better, but sometimes I think we ought to spend more time embracing our messed up, flawed selves. We are not so bad.
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't know what qualities you're seeing in yourself that prompted this self-reflective mood, I can assure you that the Sherri that comes across in your posts has no reason to feel insecure about anything--she's good people. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteDarc told me something around the time we met, advice he'd gotten from a trusted mentor.
ReplyDeleteWe cannot strengthen our weaknesses, that's like trying to get the deaf to hear and the blind to see. You can only strengthen your strengths and work around your weaknesses.
You are who you are. I suspect a lot of people besides me love you as you are. The big question is, are you willing to love yourself as you are?
I like you. Now. Who you are and what you are, as messed up and mixed up as that may be. Just so you know.
ReplyDeleteMapelba--I'm all for that. Embrace yourself, flaws and all, because even the flaws are perfection. How zen of me.
ReplyDeleteM--Aw, thanks, hon. The qualities I'm talking about are more of an inner-turmoil variety, but I'm starting to see how I may be able to use them to my advantage.
Fal--I heard that same advice just the other day. Maybe I need to pay special attention to that just now. And yeah, I think I've been learning that I AM lovable for a while now, internally. Now it's time to project that to the world.
Knyt--Thanks for telling me. I think if I start accepting myself as-is, I'll be able to accept other people as-is, and that will help all my relationships, for sure.
If I never got another thing out of this blog, I got you guys and that's enough. I really appreciate y'all. *sniff*