Got a case of the nerves today, don't know why. Been trying to live more in the moment, think less of the past and worry even less about the future. I've come to realize that spending my time clenching in preparation for the next conflict doesn't really help prepare for it, and meanwhile I'm living the conflict in my mind. Of course, that's something I've realized before, but I'm at that place on the spiral again. Seems like I'm not learning any new lessons lately, only re-realizing old ones. That's good, because I'd like to get the old ones finished before being confronted with new crap.
I've been living in my head, writing a lot, reading a trippy self-help book, and editing for a friend. During the day I prefer complete silence. In the evening and on weekends the constant blaring of the tv, the grumpiness of the hubs, the joyful (and loud) sounds of children playing...all those things send me to my bedroom, where I have a little comfy space set up for writing. I don't always write when I'm there, but I never write if I'm anywhere else, so it doesn't hurt to be there. I'm available for anyone who needs me, yet I can hear my own thoughts.
When I get like this I don't blog much, and man have I seen it in my hits. Tanked. But I'm living in the moment, and that means accepting whatever is happening. At this moment, the humidifier is almost empty. I say that as an observation, not in anticipation of refilling it. It IS almost empty. If I anticipate filling it, then the near-emptiness takes on a slightly negative connotation, but if I just observe it... My husband has been grumpy the past few days. Is he grumping at me now? No. Yet I constantly cycle his previous grumpiness through my mind, with the effect of making me feel the same emotions as if he were.
At this moment, I am an unpublished writer. I think about the day when I will get that call, which is immediately followed by the thought that I will never get the call. But here's the thing, I know quietly in my soul that I will be published someday, that I needn't worry, that it will all happen at the right time and in the right way. I know this. But when thought comes into it, suddenly those thoughts are the reality, the elation and despair, and all the stress that comes with those emotions. And it's all unnecessary.
So right now I accept this moment where my humidifier is almost empty and my husband is not grumping at me and I am an unpublished writer. I accept this moment as neither good nor bad, only that it IS.
Monday, January 11, 2010
At this moment - coffee in hand, smile on face, and a deep inhale while I consider that I am not the only one challenged by the idea of being present. When I am able to greet life as moments it is mostly good. Wishing you the same.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jaymie, I agree, it is mostly good.
ReplyDeleteAnd it works with people, too. If you just consider that they ARE, not what they are doing, it's more likely you'll have a peaceful interaction.
Like Darc's been trying to do lately - focus on the path, not so much on the goal. The goal will take care of itself if you focus on the path.
ReplyDeleteI think it's kind of the same, to focus on the moment and not the future or past. THIS is the moment I have right now, how do I want it to be? Reliving sadness or joy? Being with people I love, doing something I love, or worrying about a future that hasn't - and may or may not - arrive?
It seems to go against the grain, because we're taught to either go back and correct our mistakes, or plan ahead to avoid mistakes. But sometimes ... sometimes I wonder if mistakes are part of the plan.
Agreed. And since you quit smoking, you're probably taking each moment as it comes more than I am. Takes a lot of focus for things like that.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, yeah, I guess I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're right. One breath at a time for me.
ReplyDeleteLiving in the present, in the moment, is harder than it sounds, isn't it? :)
ReplyDeleteIt's easier when I get a nudge. Remembering on my own is hard.
ReplyDeleteAt this moment my son is sleeping behind me on the sofa (we can't heat his room in winter without broiling the rest of us) and I've just eaten a lemon ice. And I've been thinking about that will-I-ever-be-published question.
ReplyDeleteYou have to be published. When we first "met" (in that online sort of way), I thought you were published. Something about you. See? Natural.
As for myself... my friends will soon start shaking their heads and whisper--she keeps writing. Sad. Poor delusional thing.
So hard to be present. Seems when I'm present I'm just tired.
I'd be willing to bet nobody thinks that about you. But if they did...who cares? Your dreams are just as valid as theirs, whether they see it or not. Also, I'd argue that if you were present more often, you'd be less tired. Then you wouldn't be "doing" 8 different things in your head at the same time. Only one.
ReplyDeleteAs for the quality that makes me seem like a published writer... I wish knew what it was so I could capitalize on it. As it is, I just sit in ignorance and pray. lol
Glad you're back. :)
I know what you mean about the someday thing on the writing. I've been there myself for so long now. I go through stages where sometimes I just sit here for hours staring at one chapter and nothing comes out, others just pour from nowhere and seem totally pointless even after they are finished.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling though, some days things are neither good, or bad, they just are, and you're just there. I'm having one of those at the moment actually...
This is what your blog post boiled down to for me. Apologies if I've oversimplified it or missed the point :)
ReplyDeleteYour husband's grumping at you is in the past.
Let it be HIS grumpiness. You have permission to let it go. (BTW, I have issues with this as well. Sometimes you just have to say "Aw, f*ck it." Trust me here).
Your humidifier issue is in the present...
To fill or not to fill, that is the question. Filling it brings you joy, a small almost unnoticeable effect akin to cleaning the top of your fridge, but no immediate impact. You'll notice it in a few days when your skin is super mega flaky, the hamster's hair is sticking straight up, and you get shocked every time you touch something or someone. Then again, do you really want to get up and fill it?
Your career as a published writer is in the future.
While you might not be able to see it right now, it's there. Whether it's next week, next month, or in 5 years remains to be seen. Keep at it and it will happen. I believe in you! *hug*
Those moments which are neither good nor bad are beneficial. They are when we recover from the drama of the previous moments. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kristy. :)
ReplyDeleteI was trying to say that it's our labeling of events that make them good or bad, not the events themselves. The humidifier's near-emptiness is neither negative nor positive. It just is.
And then when we remember things which are no longer happening, or anticipating those which haven't happened, we feel the emotions as if they are happening right now. It's exhausting and changes nothing.
And now I'm worried I missed your point. :)