Okay, wow. It seems like a month has gone by since I've posted, but it's only been a week! I guess that shows how completely removed from blogging my head has been.
I've had a pretty nerve-wracking and emotional week, what with my grandson being born and all. Trenton came on...counting backwards--it's all running together...he came on Friday morning, 2-12-10, after about 20 hours of labor. I'm proud of how Zariah handled it all. It's not the ideal situation for a young lady to be in, a senior in high school while the young man is a junior, but worse things have happened. We can only let those concerns take a back seat to the celebration of this new life.
Zariah has a ton of support. Her mom's extended family lives in the same town, so she has grandparents and aunts and cousins who would love nothing more than to babysit.
And of course the worrywart comes out of me: I'll never get to babysit because we live too far away to be convenient; I overstep my role as her step-mom; I'm not involved enough; her dad should really be doing more, so I push him; he ignores me and I'm nervous about his lack of concern. And his lack of concern is mostly just a good attitude. He figures she'll let him know when she needs him. I'm a high-strung gal, always have been. Something inside me says I'm in charge of everything, and even though my forebrain knows this is not the case, this feeling originates in my brain stem. So while I know my bonus daughter is incommunicado because she's acclimating to her new role, my brain stem insists I effed it up, hurt her somehow, was too pushy or too detached. After all, I'm responsible for not only my own feelings/thoughts/actions, but also everyone elses. It's totally ridiculous.
Trenton was so sweet, hardly cried at all while I was there. I got to hold him a couple of times and he just gazed at me. People keep telling me how great being a grandparent is, because you can give the kid back when you're done, right? I want to have that joyous freedom, but I don't have it in any other area of my life, so why would I in this instance? All I feel right now is this ache to be in charge of this baby, as I've been in charge of all the babies in my life for 11 years. But all those babies were mine. Maybe Trenton will teach me how to let go and enjoy.