Okay, wow. It seems like a month has gone by since I've posted, but it's only been a week! I guess that shows how completely removed from blogging my head has been.
I've had a pretty nerve-wracking and emotional week, what with my grandson being born and all. Trenton came on...counting backwards--it's all running together...he came on Friday morning, 2-12-10, after about 20 hours of labor. I'm proud of how Zariah handled it all. It's not the ideal situation for a young lady to be in, a senior in high school while the young man is a junior, but worse things have happened. We can only let those concerns take a back seat to the celebration of this new life.
Zariah has a ton of support. Her mom's extended family lives in the same town, so she has grandparents and aunts and cousins who would love nothing more than to babysit.
And of course the worrywart comes out of me: I'll never get to babysit because we live too far away to be convenient; I overstep my role as her step-mom; I'm not involved enough; her dad should really be doing more, so I push him; he ignores me and I'm nervous about his lack of concern. And his lack of concern is mostly just a good attitude. He figures she'll let him know when she needs him. I'm a high-strung gal, always have been. Something inside me says I'm in charge of everything, and even though my forebrain knows this is not the case, this feeling originates in my brain stem. So while I know my bonus daughter is incommunicado because she's acclimating to her new role, my brain stem insists I effed it up, hurt her somehow, was too pushy or too detached. After all, I'm responsible for not only my own feelings/thoughts/actions, but also everyone elses. It's totally ridiculous.
Trenton was so sweet, hardly cried at all while I was there. I got to hold him a couple of times and he just gazed at me. People keep telling me how great being a grandparent is, because you can give the kid back when you're done, right? I want to have that joyous freedom, but I don't have it in any other area of my life, so why would I in this instance? All I feel right now is this ache to be in charge of this baby, as I've been in charge of all the babies in my life for 11 years. But all those babies were mine. Maybe Trenton will teach me how to let go and enjoy.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Oh BABY!!! He's sooooo sweet. Congratulations, and not to be grossly trite, but prayer really does help with that being in control of everything crap that I get...it's such a relief and really the truth to know we are not - not of everything, anyway.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your family,
c
xoxoxox
Oh hon. I love this picture.
ReplyDeleteI think it's natural that you want to be in charge of this baby, perhaps because you wanted more yourself?
I suspect Trenton will teach you many things. We forget, once our babies become kids, that we really hated things like changing diapers and cleaning puke and spilled food and listening to screaming babies. We put our rosy hindsight glasses on. How many times did you think you'd go insane from playing Chute's -n- Ladders? But now you miss it. :)
You will get time with Trenton. Z loves you and will want to share this with you. Like you said, she's going through her own thing right now and that's how it should be. She'll come out soon because she'll need that non-judgmental person who doesn't keep saying, "You're doing it wrong!" And you'll be right there to give her the love and support she needs. And you'll get to hold the baby at the same time. :)
Thanks Claud. :)
ReplyDeleteIt was Candyland for me, and I will never miss that game. LOL But I know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteI think this kind of thing stems not from "the good old days" mentality, but because my youngest isn't that far out of babyhood. I still identify strongly with being the mother. I've never even been an aunt to a baby, always the mother. I'm sure I'll adjust. Thanks :)
Also, I feel it necessary to declare: I'M GLAD I WON'T BE HAVING MORE CHILDREN!!!! ;)
Congratulations! (I have nothing to contribute to the rest of the conversation, not having a uterus and all.)
ReplyDeleteWell you probably have SOME thoughts on babies, since you've fathered a couple. Silly.
ReplyDeleteThanks. :)
Ohmigod! Congratulations, Sherry! He's absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Angela! I get to see him again next week.
ReplyDeleteI think people who say being a grandparent is fun and all that are people who no longer need to parent the new parents. I mean, my dad is still my dad, but I was 34 when I had my son, married, employed--all grown up. When the new mom and dad are still kids, there's a lot more work!
ReplyDeleteBut you'll do fine. Z. seems to have great support and will be fine. Congratulations to your family. Enjoy what you can. Destress the best way you know how!
I think you're exactly right, Marta. My youngest is six, so I'm still in mom-mode.
ReplyDelete