Sherri Cornelius

Ihate eating during the day. I resent having to interrupt my activities, however mundane they may be, to refuel. Which is why it’s all right that I don’t have much in the kitchen right now because I haven’t been to the grocery store. The car’s still down and the Hubs’ truck stinks to high heaven. I’ve been living on almonds and baby carrots and the occasional Little Debbie snack cake, saving the real food for the family dinner.

And I’ve yet to lose a pound.

The past few weeks have been emotional, frustrating, joyous:

• My stepdaughter had her second child, and my stepson’s wife had their first baby a week later.


• Found out my stepson will be stationed in frickin’ Washington state when he gets out of boot camp in a month, and of course his wife and baby will go along. Not that I’d get to see them much if they stayed here, but dang.


• What should have been a relatively simple job of changing out the water pump has become an exercise in futility, with one impossible bolt and wet, chilly weather.


• I’m not a happy person right now, and I don’t know how to get happy. I feel stifled and trapped and lonely, not to mention off-balance and unsure. And at this point I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.


• Home repairs might help. I had a meeting with the insurance adjuster about some hail damage to the roof and siding, and it looks like I’ll be able to get new shingles and new paint. That’s nice.


• I’m enjoying getting to know my cousin during the process, since he’s also my contractor. My dad pretty much raised him, and it’s interesting to hear what life was like with that side of the family, since I wasn’t part of it. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.

Something I have learned about myself this week is that I need tidy, beautiful, calm surroundings. My home doesn’t reflect that and it’s something I need to change.

I wonder if I'm a good parent. I worry my kids feel they can't talk to me. I fear I'm too strict lenient strict.

I know how my childhood affected my behavior as an adult. I've seen the same path in others who were raised in very similar circumstances, and in those who were not. I'm wondering if anyone in the world actually grows up to be a healthy, well-adjusted adult, because I don't know many, and the ones I do know are in middle age and have worked through most of their issues. So what are the chances my kids will grow up healthy? Right now it seems like nothing I do will prevent teen pregnancy, alcoholism/drug abuse, and depression. It's all around me.

Right now the problems are manageable, but how do I know which grain of dysfunction will grow into the pearl of self-destruction?

At times the kids seem to doubt my love. (Well, the older two. The 7-year-old has confidence like I've never seen. So far.) On one level I don't understand how this is possible, with all the sacrifices I've made to be a SAHM and to keep the family together, though logically I know they don't see it because they are children. I try for just the right blend of understanding and stern, make every effort to let them be independent while still being involved, demonstrate that I'm a person of worth and so are they.

But some days it appears I've had that balance wrong this whole time. Or, more likely, there is no ideal balance and the whole thing is hopeless. They are children of the world, and the world chews up children and spits them out all the time. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Reading back over this, I sound a bit manic and controlling. That's not how I feel, I just feel frustrated and a bit lost. Another way to look at this whole situation is that I am doing a good job, and since I can't control how my kids see me, I can just relax.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Anybody got any stories in this vein they'd like to share?

I've been busy, but when I look around the house it looks pretty much the same. With the kids gone to school, I'd planned to scrub the summer's grime from the house, a layer at a time. Instead, I've been focusing on projects that keep me busy but don't really have to be done. Like putting a drop-leaf on my new desk, and starting a braided rag rug out of old towels. Wow, I'm crafty. In all fairness to myself, I have scrubbed a layer or two, and I haven't played Metroid Prime once.

It was pretty easy to fall into the school year. Easier to be alone that first day since I knew what to expect. However, we were all nervous about their first day, especially my oldest, who went into middle school. The poor thing was so wired she cried about it several times in the days prior. Of course, on the second day she skipped out to the bus and waved good-bye with a grin. She was fine, as were the other two. And me.

So with the kids at school and my obsessive craftiness satisfied, I'm turning my thoughts toward my next project, whatever that will be. This morning I brainstormed story ideas but didn't get very far. I think I'll start with this half-done middle grade fantasy, to let me sink into the familiarity while I get back into the daily writing thing. I think the creative floodgates are about to open. Y'all stand back. Don't want to get brain juice on ya.

Printing out a novel for editing uses a lot of paper. Combine that with the kids' 2-hour-long scribbling sessions, and it makes perfect sense to use my old manuscripts as scrap paper. I mean, it's still good on one side, and though the kids can read, there's nothing OMG-terrible in BVA; it doesn't have sex scenes, per se, but the MC does think about sex in a flippant, jaded way, and there is colorful language. Still, nobody cares about the pieces of story on the other side of the page. The occasional cussword would go unnoticed.

So I thought.

I forgot my 11-year-old is a voracious reader with a vocabulary as big as mine. She wants to read all kinds of inappropriate books, as I did at her age, just because she's already read everything appropriate in the house. Last night she told me she'd been reading the backs of these scrap papers, because BVA was "awesome." She said sometimes she even gets several consecutive pages so she can read a bigger chunk at a time.

It's hard to turn down someone who's dying to read my work, and who will undoubtedly be complimentary. So after she begged me a while, I told her I would edit out the objectionable parts and let her read it. She's already bugged me about it twice more this morning.

So now I'm wondering, will this affect how and what I write? I want to write things my kids will love. The hubs doesn't read fiction anymore, so he doesn't factor in. Sex scenes embarrass me. It seems like a no-brainer to stick with Middle Grade or Young Adult. BVA is going to YA editors, I think.

Something to think about.

This week started off busy and I don't see it letting up till the kids are out of school, what with the end-of-year programs and concerts. Yesterday my friendly neighborhood electric man cut down a precarious limb, and I spent the day chopping it up.

And before that, on Sunday I gave in to pressure from my son to switch his room with his sister's. We have two bedrooms for the three kids, and for the past few years Jonah and Maggie Rose have been sharing because they were little enough that modesty wasn't a huge issue, and that way the toys are centrally located. Abby, being quite mature at 11, enjoyed her own space in the tiny 10' x 10' bedroom. Well now Jonah's 8 and Maggie's 6 and it's time to move the girls in together. Besides the modesty issue, I'm hoping this will cut down on the bickering, since each younger kid will have his/her own toy space, and doors between them.

Abby was sad to give up her privacy, but I think she's actually enjoying being in a room with her sister (for now). Jonah is a gregarious creature, and so he felt a little lonesome in his bed the first night. I promised both Abby and Jonah I'd paint one wall whatever color they choose. One chose Hulk green and the other chose purple. You can figure out which is which. ;)

Anyway, I'm tired.

Well, I tried and tried to fix the comment form so it would show your line breaks, and I just can't figure it out. Lots of times when I hit a wall like this, if I just give it a little time it'll become clear, so that's what I'll try. I know it's annoying, but one day I'll have it fixed. I like having my own website, though at times like these I wish I had stayed at the free Wordpress blog. Every tiny problem means hours on the Internet trying to find a solution. *sigh*

In one week, the Little Bubba got the car door slammed on his fingers, ripped his hand open with barbed wire, got dive-bombed by a kite, fell of the front porch, and a bunch of other little owies I can't remember. That kid has a bullseye painted on his back and fate has the darts. It's gotten so every time I hear a thud or a shout I run straight to him. Good news is his little 8-year-old self is still "going good, great, happy" with his girlfriend.

The hubs is looking for a pickup. The van is getting more and more difficult to drive, so thank goodness we had a pretty good tax refund. We had decided to pay cash for an older vehicle rather than take on a car payment (you may remember that I have enough trouble keeping the bills paid as it is), but this afternoon we went looking and there's just not that much to choose from in the older pickup department. And let me just define "older" for you by saying the '97 Saturn I bought last year is the latest model I've ever owned.

I guess people either trade in their pickups every couple of years or they just keep them till they fall apart. The guy at Automax almost talked us into a 2007 Nissan Frontier by telling us he could get the payment down to $150 a month. But man, I just don't know. One-fifty a month when I was paying zero will be hard to swallow, especially when I figure in the insurance thing. So what are your thoughts on buying an older vehicle that may need more repairs, or making monthly payments on a newer one?

Yesterday was crazy. Over the weekend, Maggie fell and hurt her arm, but other than a red spot which faded after a few minutes, it looked fine. That night it started to really hurt her, so I wrapped it up and gave her some medicine, mostly just to placate her because you probably know how big of a deal even minor injuries can be to little kids. But the next day it started to swell, she wouldn't use it, and it was painful to the touch. Time to go to the doctor.

So the doctor said it was probably a something-or-other kind of break that kids get all the time, sent us for x-rays and prescribed a brace, which nobody had in stock. Finally went to Wal-Mart and picked up a grown-up's wrist stabilizer, long enough to go almost to her elbow but an adjustable width. I thought it would be a good temporary measure to protect her tiny arm at school, but it works so well, we might keep it long-term, if she doesn't need a cast. I don't think she will.

I wish we'd gotten the brace from the doctor herself, because as we were walking to the car after our appointment, Maggie tripped and fell on her bad arm. She cried all the way to the hospital for the x-rays, during the x-rays, and all the way home. It's an understatement to say I felt her pain. It's hard to go about your business when your child is hurting, even when that business is the only way to make it stop eventually. The promise of ice cream helped a little, and once she had a cone in her hand she smiled again.

I'll get the results from the x-ray back today.

Had a little excitement before dinner yesterday when my five-year-old daughter fell into the neighbor's pond. She's fine, was in there only a few seconds before pulling herself out, but I'm still a bit traumatized. Hopefully she and the other kids are too, just enough to make them more aware. I might tell this story in full later, or maybe not. Like I said, I'm traumatized.

Other than that, life has been pretty mundane. I've been walking a couple of miles every day while the weather's nice. The van is still down and the hubs seems to be in no hurry to work on it. I am! It'll be nice this weekend, so maybe we can get it running then.

I had a terrible time staying focused on work yesterday. It was turning into one of those days where I just float around and, at the end, wonder what I had done all day, so I decided to nip that in the bud. After a little research I found a couple of online time management tools, the best of which is Work Timer Online.

The Work Timer is going to be very useful for seeing where my time goes. The work I'm doing for others always seems to get done first to my WIP's detriment, so by keeping a log of how much time I've spent on each project I can balance it better. The only problem is my spotty wi-fi connection. If the connection goes down before I've archived my time, it's possible to lose that time. Not a huge problem, since it's not like it's billable hours I'm losing.

I also tried a web-based countdown timer. One reason I have trouble concentrating is because I have this irrational fear of losing track of time. It helped to set the timer and say, "I'm going to do this for 15 minutes, and there's no way I can lose track of time because the timer will buzz me." I kept thinking about the timer so I couldn't completely lose myself in my work, but it was a LOT better, and I feel it will only get better with time. I didn't care for the web-based timer I used, so I'll probably just stick with Spacejock's yTimer, which I've used for years for the kids' Internet time.

I used to let organizing the activities get in the way of the activities. What organizational tools have you found to be most helpful?