I've been thinking a lot about mistakes. Mistakes I've made and mistakes others have made with me. I forgive others' mistakes a lot easier than I forgive my own. I think a lot of us are that way, but one mistake I make over and over is believing that everyone is that way.
But that's not really the point. This isn't a woe-is-me post, nor a heavy reflection of my inner workings. It's just a fact: I don't give up on people, ever, except for myself. Embarrassment makes me back off. I go through a strange cycle of introversion and extroversion. Some days, when confronted with a new opportunity, I say, "What have I got to lose?" and dive in, head first. Sometimes I belly flop and come up laughing. Sometimes I go in without a splash. During my extrovert times, those are the two normal outcomes.
But then something changes. I'm diving in, having a wonderful time, and something will happen that I can't laugh off. Usually it has to do with me saying the wrong thing, some sheer dumb utterance that I can't take back, and it freezes me up. And I'll stay that way a while, frozen on the outside, burning on the inside, flogging myself, "Stupid, stupid stupid," until I get a little unexpected success that flips the switch the other way.
I said this wouldn't be a reflective post, didn't I? Sorry.
If I have a point in this rambling post, it's this: I don't want to let my mistakes shame me into quitting anymore.
I just threw my hat in the freelance writer ring, putting a profile on oDesk, and even answering my first interview request. (Haven't had the interview yet, though.) I'm bound to make a lot of mistakes, as I've never done this kind of thing before.
Thing is, I know I'm smart enough to do it. I'm an extremely hard worker. I have the skills necessary, and I want to put them to use. I have to allow myself the mistakes I will certainly make, and continue on, because I am at heart a very tenacious person when the knee-jerk embarrassment is not a factor. Stupidly tenacious, at times.
Maybe I'm finally ready to try freelancing because my need of a new laptop outweighs my fear this time. Wish me luck!