The migraine cycle is like driving a Kansas highway at night. You can go for miles in a straight line, the road gently sloping up toward the sky, the night air growing cooler as you get higher. But you can't see the apex of the hill, it's so subtle, so eventually you realize you've passed your healthy time and you're going downhill again. It's too late to go back at that point, you're already rolling steadily into the next shallow valley, but you can't tell where the bottom is until you hit it. Sometimes it's an hour later, sometimes seconds.
Luckily, I'm on the upward slope right now.
Thank you all for being so supportive and kind when I complain about my bad health. I just feel like crap all the time, you know? I guess that's one reason why I stopped blogging so much (before this month). The only thing I have to talk about is how crappy I feel. My low vitality is related to one thing: my inability to have fun. I'm bored and stressed and have no outlet, really. Every corner of my homestead reminds me how much I have to do, yet going elsewhere for pure fun would require funds I don't have. Even if I could work around the fragrance thing.
Goddangit, I need to make some money! A job would give me something to do, even if it's not for fun, at least I'd be occupied. I just feel like my hands are tied. If I get a job, the constant headaches will undoubtedly come back. I have no skills that could translate to working at home. Besides writing, that is, and I've tried freelancing and it's definitely not for me. If I made even a little bit from my novels it would ease the noose. I contemplate going back to school, but I couldn't swing it, for lots of reasons. So I go around and around my few futile options and feel like there's something I'm missing.
Do you feel successful where you are? Have you ever been really poor? What do you consider "poor", and by that I mean personally, what is the line for you. If you ever came out of poverty, did you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, or was there some deus ex machina involved?
Wow, my head feels even better now that I let off some steam. I should do that more often.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm sorry you are feeling lousy. I've had patches like that, and it sucks.
ReplyDeleteI've been poor, and I've never been rolling in the dough, but I'm well enough off that I can afford a house, insurance, a decent car and have the funds to afford just about as many books as I want. I consider myself damned lucky, actually. I even like my job and it pays well and has a retirement plan.
But I've been really poor. Grew up poor after my poor excuse for a parental unit dumped my mother and threatened to get custody of us if she didn't leave him everything, so she did because he's an abusive s.o.b. That meant she worked three jobs, and when we were old enough we worked and helped pay the bills, because of course the genetic donor was a cheapskate and never paid child support except twice in ten years. We ate a lot of beans, rice and boxed mac and cheese when I was a kid, and when I was divorced, I ate a lot of that stuff too, because I earned minimum wage and lived in the Santa Cruz area of California where cost of living is high.
I was never so grateful as when I got some experience and could find work that paid me a livable wage. I didn't live high on the hog, but I could manage.
You know my situation, so I don't have to go into all that. But I've never been well off. Never been stable. Never been happy with what I did, not really. And when I was it didn't pay enough to allow me to stay with it and even if I could've it would've forced me to move into another area I didn't want, at all.
ReplyDeleteNo, I've never been great on the money front. I've done okay, but never been really comfortable. Or free.
And I guess freedom is the biggest thing. Freedom from fear, freedom from being tied down, freedom to enjoy your life, your town, your state, your family and friends. Freedom financially, emotionally, and physically -- from things like ... Oh, I don't know. Migraines, maybe.
Yes, sweetie, I understand your frustration in a lot of ways. A LOT of 'em. And if you need to vent more, just drop me a line. I'm here for ya.
We live one disaster shy of financial wreckage. But I like my work reasonably well. Though since I spend all this other time writing and getting rejected, the feelings are much more complicated.
ReplyDeleteI've been without money sure. But I don't know if I've been poor. I hesitate to use that label. My parents have been poor. My dad grew up hungry and quit school at 14 to work. My maternal grandmother often didn't eat but made sure her kids did. And for several years, the only food my mom had in her fridge was lettuce and cheese. Really. She lived on toast, lettuce, cheese, and coffee. On weekend visits we went to grandma's if we wanted to eat.
A friend is on foodstamps and lives with roaches running up her walls. So, I'm not clueless about being poor. Not to mention the poor I saw in the Peace Corps. That was a level of poverty hard to grasp.
But to worry about how to pay the rent or for the food--it sucks out your soul. And it seems like forever.
Hey, it is your blog, vent if you want to.
Heh, I'm still waiting for that deus ex machina!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the venting can be a distraction, you know? It seems like it would make you focus more on your problem, but I think in "spinning" it to the blogosphere can help lighten it somehow too. Blowing off steam is a good thing, and since misery loves company, finding others who are going through similar things can be a help too.
You're not alone love. *hugs*